karaaf

On June 8th I graduated from an intense year of discipleship from RAD.
In so many ways my journey is just beginning. I would ask that you keep me in your prayers as I come back to intern at RAD next year. God has taken me through the fire - he has been refining me and pruning me. As I look up ahead I see that I am coming upon another desert. But I have learned that it is there that I have drawn the closest to the Father's heart.
My eyes have been opened to so many things the past year and the Lord has been instilling in me a heart to see others set free and discipled.
As I walk forward into a new phase of life I know that the struggles and attacks of life will not lessen. But I know who I am. I am redeemed. I am forgiven. I have been pursued and loved by the Most High King. I am His dearly beloved. I am the apple of His eye. I refuse to live my life in shame and fear and condemnation. I refuse to listen to the enemy's lies. I know the truth....the Truth has set me free. I am more than a conqueror.

All of this RAD stuff started with an invitation. It was originally an invitation from Josh but ultimately it became an invitation from Jesus. And oh how gracious He brought it to me! It didn't make sense and it wasn't fun but He was gentle the whole time!
I read in "Captivating" this morning that as a woman, I don't need to strive or arrange or struggle to make things happen. I just need to respond to the invitation. An excerpt from the book described it exactly as I felt it so I changed a few words to make it mine, "My Lover has written something on my heart. It is a call to find a life of Romance and to protect that love affair as my most precious treasure. A call to cultivate the beauty I had held inside and to unveil my beauty on behalf of others. It was also a call to adventure, to become the ezer kenedo (life saver) that the world desperately needed me to be."
This call or "invitation" to open my heart was hard for me to accept. I didn't understand that my heart needed to be set free. I had to get beyond fear. I had to sacrifice. But continually asked God to grant me a willing heart and by His grace I was able to respond to the invitation of my heart. I never knew all that I was missing! I was always striving, and sometimes very "absent' in so many ways unless I was doing what I most loved. I didn't offer much of me. I didn't invite - especially those that I didn't know or trust. I wasn't captivating. Now that I have tasted and experienced freedom and living life abundantly alive in Christ, I desire to live this way every day! And I desire to bring others to drink from this flowing water. But I have discovered the last few days especially that I am going to have to fight fiercely to maintain my freedom. There is still a war on for my heart. But victory is mine in Jesus! And He made me to be a Warrior Princess!

Well, I have definitely been under spiritual attack the last few days. It all started when I got an email from Natalie telling me that the next RAD course would start Sept. 9. It hit me like a blow to my face and I started crying. I have missed being home so much and it seems like I just keep getting further and further away from my dreams. When I came to RAD last year I never expected that I would end up in the States for so long. There is nothing that I desire more than to be back in Honduras. Anyways yesterday as I weeded at the cottage I was able to grieve and pray and sing and God told me yes, that He wanted me to intern at RAD. I don't want to come kicking and screaming - I refuse to come that way. So I told God that He was going to have to change my heart - again. I really do want to come with excitement and joy and desire! But I just don't have it yet.
I don't feel called to RAD - I feel like it is another sacrifice. And I wonder why I feel such a huge burden for Honduras and desire to be there if it's not from God? Maybe God does want me there - but just not right now. And maybe He never wants me there. Then why do I feel such a part of the people and the culture? Why do I love their culture just as much if not more than my own? Why does my heart feel so torn all of the sudden? I think that I have been looking at things through a foggy glass...I can't see the whole picture and all I feel is that I'm walking into a dark tunnel or a deep valley again. And just when I feel like I am so burned out and I cannot possibly take another step into nothing, God grants me a measure of His rich grace and faith and the clouds start to part and I catch a glimpse of that light at the end of the tunnel. When I look back over the year I feel so grateful. God really has done a huge work in me! I've really been set free and my eyes have been opened to so many things. More than anything I really have fallen crazy in love with Jesus like never before. I know that He will give me grace for each and everyday and I know that He will change my heart to be completely willing and excited to internship at RAD next year. He will give me the rest I need this summer so that I don't feel burned out or exhausted from the fire and being put on the spot all the time. He has great plans for me and I can truly rest in His heart for me. I wouldn't even consider doing something so painful if I wasn't so sure that He must have something really great in store for me! He is worth it all - my sacrifice is so dinky compared to what He has gone through for me.

   It's amazing to me how quickly the devil quietly, deceitfully comes into steal my joy and begins to lie to me.

   I had a perfectly enjoyable day. Rebecca Stoltsfus (the Amish lady I am staying with) and I went to another Amish lady's house for "Caring Hearts". This is a group of Amish women who get together to quilt and make cards with handicapped and mentally retarded girls.

   Yet the whole time I was there I felt somewhat empty and lonely and I kept wishing for better days in Honduras. What is it about Honduras??! When I am there I have the same feelings! Yet unconsciously I begin to believe Satan's lie that the grass is always greener on the other side.

  If only I could wake up more quickly and expose the lies and turn to Jesus for complete comfort, satisfaction and happiness to rescue me from loneliness I wouldn't waste any time wondering how much better life would be somewhere else.

   And every time I turn to Jesus to rescue me, He, without fail, restores my joy and freedom.

He truly is amazing! I know that my time in Honduras is not done. And I do truly believe that God has laid a burden on my heart for the people there and someday He will bring me back there. But I think that first He is trying to teach me that wherever I am, I can live completely content and free of negative emotions, all loneliness, emptiness or any unhappiness. If I can only turn to Jesus to be my everything, each and every time.

  I have learned to recognize the devil's subtle ways of sneaking in to steal my joy. Thankfully, I now know how to fight and stand up for my newfound freedom! As soon as I recognized that the loneliness and depressing feelings were invading my territory to steal my joy, I renounced them and Jesus did come to my deliverance! I am utterly amazed at how light and free I felt. Now looking back I would describe a wonderful day quilting, serving lunch to these special needs girls and having a wonderful, enjoyable day.

       Last night I was able to share in the youth group at Bethany Grace here in Morgantown. I told them all that at the beginning of RAD I would have never been able to stand in front of such a large crowd and share from my heart, at least without my knees shaking and feeling extremely self-conscious and feeling incredible lack of words.

    The Lord has done such a huge work in me! I know now what it feels to speak boldly, fearing no one and be real and open with complete strangers! I was amazed and felt incredibly blessed afterwards when several people came up to me to tell me that they are going through some of the exact things that I shared.

    I absolutely love it when I step aside and allow the Holy Spirit to move through me however He chooses. It wasn't anything I said - it's all Jesus! I could have never shared so openly and unashamedly before He came in and set me free. At the end I didn't even want to stop talking! I felt like I could've gone on forever. The Lord definitely gave me the all the words I needed to say.

    I laid out a stack of RAD fliers and within a minute they were all gone! I think that most of the seniors are very unsure of college and what they want to do in the future. So I am hoping and praying that some of them will consider going to RAD.

   When I got home later that night, the Leever's oldest daughter asked if she could talk to me. She is 15 and I love her! She reminds me a lot of Sharon and has a really neat heart. She told me about some things she is struggling with and then began to describe her increasing desire for more of God and the things of God. She said that RAD sounds like something that she would love to do. (She still has two more years of HS though) I felt very blessed to be able to share with her and then pray with her at the end.

   I am now reading, "Captivating" and I recommend this book to everyone! I've already read it but reading it again has given me a huge desire to go through it like a study book with some friends of mine in Honduras. I've really been praying for their freedom and healing from past wounds.

     There have not been many guests here so for the past few days I've been doing lots of housework and odd jobs for Rozanna. I've also done some weeding and other yard work. I have to say that I'm in one of the most gorgeous places in all the U.S.! I told Rozanna that it's hard to find a place as beautiful as Honduras but Morgantown - right in the heart of Amish country - has it's own unique beauty. There are rolling hills and beautiful, enormous farms everywhere.

     I really love being able to clean for Rozanna because it gives me lots of personal time to think and pray. I like to meet new people and be at social gatherings every so often but it can be draining and I definitely get refreshed in solitude.

    Rozanna has been such a blessing to me! She and I have so much in common because she grew up in Peru. I have really been able to open up to her and feel like she understands exactly where I'm coming from. Her kids are in school during the day, so I don't see them a whole lot but when they are home I feel as if I am around my own siblings. Their whole family reminds me a lot of my own family and I am very thankful and in awe of God for blessing me with exactly what I needed.

   Every day I have felt more of a burden for the latino culture. I really believe that my time in Honduras is not finished and that someday God will bring me back there to minister among the people. (maybe after I intern at RAD) I have been staying in touch with my family (esp. Sharon) and praying fervently for the believers there. I don't know why I have such a calling and desire to pray for them but I am starting to think more and more that this desire is from God and that He has great plans for this.

    Tomorrow Rozanna and I are going to a local high school to fill in for the Spanish teacher all day. We are making empanadas to give to the students and we have put together a little autobiography in Spanish sharing about ourselves and the countries we grew up in. I am really excited!

    The Lord continues to love on me and show me how special I am to Him. I've also had several opportunities to put in practice what it means to maintain my newfound freedom....things that would normally really bother me and make me very depressed now no longer have the same hold on me. I have learned that I can open the door to depression and joylessness or I can truly surrender it to God and not allow it to steal my joy.

    The Lord is awesome and I want more than anything for my family, friends and all my loved ones to experience freedom and the abundant life in Christ!!

    I have had a really good first week with the Leever family here at the Lincoln-Boone Bed and Breakfeast.

   I love their family (they remind me of a lot of my own) and I feel very comfortable here and I seem to fit in very well. It's easy for me to talk to Rozanna and I feel very open and outgoing with their whole family. It's been a little harder for me to find things to say to Steve but I am doing my best and have been giving my all trying to do my very best in all things.

   I love their kids too! They are very nice and have made me feel like one of them.

    Tonight I had an "interesting" night to say the least. Rozanna and I went to a dinner for inn keepers and Bed and Breakfeast hosts. I found that it was very hard for me to relate to the group and find relative things to say. I feel as though it is much easier for me to talk one on one with people than it is for me to be in a group and talk openly.

   Well towards the end of the night I was getting sort of tired of trying to find things to say and feeling very untalkative because of it. And then of course I had to embarrass myself by spilling my tea all over her fancy dinner table! And just this morning I had been telling Rozanna that they used to call me a bull in a china shop because I was so rough in the house all the time. Well, I told her later, you got to experience my clumsiness first hand.

   I kept thinking that all this B&B stuff might be just a little too Americanized for me to do for the rest of my life! Especially since it's sometimes hard for me to talk to people I don't know.

   But afterwards I felt grateful for having went - it was a stretching night but I really do want to be "all things to all people".

    I am definitely not a humongous people person or a humongous talker but I have grown a lot since coming to RAD and I am getting more comfortable and confident.  J 

First day of Internship

    I am now down to my last days at RAD. I knew this day would come pretty fast.For the next 6 weeks I will be in Morgantown, PA doing an internship at a bed and breakfeast inn. This will top off my last bit of time at RAD.

    My prayer is that this time will bring me even closer to God then ever before. I love whatI'm doing here - cooking, cleaning and learning about what it takes to run a business. It's only my first day and I've noticed that lots of phone calls are entailed!

    I am in Amish country and I really enjoy being out on a farm. I miss the warm, tropicalweather of Honduras though!

    The Lord is teaching me to abide in Him - apart from Him I can do nothing. I'm realizing that to constantly stay in communion with Jesus throughout the day takes effort! It is easy to forget to pray. One particular thing that I try to remember to pray for often is that Jesus will give me eyes to see people the way He sees them.

   On my way here as I was sitting in the Atlanta airport, I saw a woman in a wheel chair doing her best to scoot herself up to the desk. She was inching along and she couldn't use her hands to wheel herself because the wheels were too far back. As I watched her struggle, I felt called to get up and help her. But at the same time I felt frozen to my seat and I could only watch as she used her feet with much effort to move forward. I felt a lot of doubt about helping her and somewhat embarressed but I kept thinking of the verse that says, "what you did to the least of these you did to Me." I even stood up with the intent of going up to her. But I still felt unsure about the whole thing.Soon she was back to where she had started and I felt ashamed for not having helped her. "Jesus, forgive
me." I prayed. "Forgive me for not showing her your love. Give me another chance, Lord."

   I felt horrible with myself but I resolved to help her if she moved again. Sure enough a few minutes later she began the slow, painful process of moving herself with her tired feet. This time, I wasted not even a second and the Lord was merciful to give me another opportunity. The lady was very shocked and very grateful when I pushed her to the front. What a blessing it was for me and to think that I let fear over my inability and her reaction get in the way.

   My heart's desire is to love as Jesus does. I don't want to waste opportunities while I'm here on my internship. I hope to abide in Jesus and stay constantly in fellowship with the Spirit. I read in Luke 18 this morning that "what is impossible for man is possible for God." What is impossible for me to do in the flesh - even something as simple as praying constantly - is possible in the spirit. Thank - you Jesus. I am so joyful as I look ahead with anticipation
and great hope.